A professor here did a nifty life summary and I thought I’d do one, too. The unexamined life sucks and all that jazz, yes?
I was born. I was loved. I was bathed in a bird bath at Sears. I walked, talked, read, rode a bike, and learned. I went around the world and back with my mom without ever leaving her chair. I had a Batmobile. I went to school. I learned some more. I threw rocks at a kid for being different. I grew, developed pimples, looked awful, felt worse, and hated myself while firmly believing I was better than everyone else. I realized my nature and so did everyone else. I rode a skateboard down a hill, sucked a dick, ate too much, and dreamed. I went to High School. I paged, politicked, gained a passion, kissed a girl, and traveled. I hugged Eleanor Roosevelt and Lady Liberty. My flight was delayed, canceled, and rerouted. I won every election but one. I graduated. I felt bad about throwing those rocks but never really apologized. I went to college. I drank. I poured a gallon of milk on my roommate, slapped a girl with a slice of pizza, killed a fish, then another, and yet another. I may have tried to rape a blue haired girl, even though I didn’t want to. I went to the fair. I started a club, joined some others, developed, and changed. I told the truth, threw open the closet door, and had the awkward conversations I’d avoided. I dressed as a hippie, met someone who changed my life, quit a job, and loved everything. I made a mistake and recovered. I occupied. My friend found a stripper and I pulled her panties off with my teeth. I got a giant bear, wore a tiara, and squeezed an elephant. I locked up a midget. I made out, threw some cheese, and fell down two flights of stairs. I threw up in my bro’s bed. I got drunk, lost my virginity, sent that letter, smacked some heads, and helped a sad bitch. I walked in on my roommate with a lazy eyed hoe. I smoked more than one thing and wrote infinite on a playing card. I witnessed a crime and witnessed a random. I flew kites survived a tornado. I danced and sang and drank and rode around the bend in a truck with some friends. I cried when he left (but he was just my friend)…I knew it was over when the vitamins went. I took off my pants and partied. A bitch got me noodles. I housesat. My misfit maid tried to steal some used condoms, grabbed a hippy dick, and got filmed doing it. Then I got a dude drunk and sucked his dick. I stored my things and went to class. I danced for the camera, got covered in pubes, and got shot. I campaigned, knocked doors, ate ice cream, got paid, called voters, organized for America, and made a difference. I met Bessie and tried to help. I got locked in a bathroom. I tried to skin a cat and a furby. I wasn’t happy. I went to another fair and saw a llama. I demanded British dick. I won and I lost. I had my first wreck. I dressed as Bill with my best friend. I voted. I rapped nude and got caught. I helped with an abortion, sort of. I planned a trip or two. I was amazed by outpourings of love and support. I studied for the biggest test of my life. I looked in the garden of my mind. I got more dick. I criticized, debated, proposed, and argued. I had multiple ninja inspired birthdays. I looked like, felt like, and acted like Satan. I got glasses. What could be next?
Andrew Jackson was the first feminist President.
This is what I learn at college.
And for a brief and naively optimistic moment, it felt like the whole world was changing.
Representative democracy in a nutshell: “Your representative owes you, not his industry only, but his judgment; and he betrays, instead of serving you, if he sacrifices it to your opinion.” Edmund Burke